More Murray Magic

A great day for sitting in front of the telly! Thoroughly enjoyed the Murray and Robson matches today. Full of skill, drama and smiles. I wonder if Murray can manage double Gold?! Either way, it's uplifting and exciting to have GB in the final of two Olympic tennis events. Great effort Andy - well done!

I should perhaps make some excuse as to why I post about Andy Murray on my rehab blog. It's not just because he's the best and most talented tennis player to come out of Britian in the last 70+ years. It's also because I am very aware of the hard physical work he's put in over the years. I have watched him transform his physique from good to excellent. He's put hours and hours of work into gaining muscle and condition. I don't think it came as naturally to him as to perhaps someone like Nadal. He has really had to work hard at it. And, that's where I feel some degree of affinity with him. It's taken him years. And, it'll take me years. We're world's apart but both with a goal to improve physical fitness for the lives we lead.

I really do take comfort from the fact that it has taken him years. It wasn't something he achieved in one season or even two. And, he's gaining all the time. I also take comfort from the fact that what he's achieved has been done with immense support, expertise and guidance. None of which I have. I don't have a physio to treat the sore muscles; I don't have access to an MRI scanner to assess with tendon I strained; I don't have a personal trainer or adviser or any kind of expert input. I am doing it alone. Therefore, I reckon I can be proud of what I've achieved so far and recognise that even with all the support/expertise etc in the world, it still takes years to transform one's physique if you're a 'hard gainer'.

Swim-Gym-Swim & DWP

I tried something new this week. After last Friday's swim, I felt I recovered pretty well and was surprised to be able to manage a good 3 mile walk on the Sunday morning, followed by another late afternoon. I was basically trying to wear myself out so I'd sleep but the fact that I could manage it felt fantastic. Of course, the glorious weather helped (and it could well have been some kind of temporary 'high' related to the Trazadone withdrawal). So, my plan was swim-Friday, gym-Tuesday, swim-Friday.

Tuesday, I hit the gym with the main intention to focus on my upper body (I'd done enough walking for my lower body). I did my usual weights routine but upped the number of sets by 1 or 2. I also did do a couple of sets of leg-press and leg-extensions. At the end, I went on the treadmill but quickly realised my legs had turned to lead - the nerves were fatigued and there was no way the muscles, esp below the knee, were going to work properly. At that point, I called it a day.

I had the usual right hip/butt/groin pain following the gym. It felt worse than normal, which was disappointing. I was hoping for improvements but it seems that using the leg-press and leg-extension machines aggravates the problem in just the same way as it used to. I also felt pretty worn out on Wednesday and Thursday.

Finally, I hit the pool again on Friday and swam 32 lengths (0.5 miles). It actually felt easier than last week although from length 20 onwards I was getting cramp in both feet (fatigued nerves again). I came out of the pool, showered, changed and actually felt good. It was a positive experience. It was also the last time I'll be able to use that pool. It's a members only, 'posh' fitness club, which at one point offered non-members the opportunity to buy 4 visits for £30. I used my last one yesterday and they've stopped doing the offer. There's no way I can justify, let alone afford, membership.

This morning, I feel tired but ok. I suspect it'll be a telly day, recovering.

Other stuff this week.....I have arranged a physio appointment for Monday 6th at a local physio centre, for my right hip. I need some help with it.

...and....the letter I have been dreading for months and months finally arrived from the DWP on Thursday. They are reassessing everyone on disability benefits to transfer them onto this new employment and support allowance (ESA) benefit. Everyone goes through the "work capability assessment" (WCA) process, starting with a questionnaire, followed up with a medical assessment. The horror stories for those with mental health issues or conditions such as ME/CFS are numerous. In essence, the WCA doesn't sufficiently assess conditions which fluctuate or have a mental health element. People who have been struggling to recover find themselves having benefits withdrawn and their fragile mental health shattered once again. This post on the MIND website sums it up well: Link

Finally, a word on the Trazadone withdrawal. I have now done 9 nights without it. The first 4-5 nights weren't pleasant at all due to the hypnic jerks and my brain having no capacity to seemingly switch off. I wasn't getting to sleep until about 2am and then sleeping very badly for perhaps 4 hours at most. The last 4-5 nights have been better although still not great. After 12 years of having sleep-inducing medication, it seems like my brain is going to have to relearn the sleeping process. It is taking hours to get off to sleep and then I'm waking fairly regularly through the night. I seem to be getting the best sleep as we head into the morning. Today, I allowed myself to sleep until 10am. I can't work out yet whether I feel better during the day for having come off the meds.....we shall see. If there's no real day-time improvement and my brain fails to learn to sleep again, then I may end up just going back on the meds. I'll maybe give it a good 6 months and then re-assess. 

Andy for Gold

I'm loving the Olympics and especially seeing Andy Murray beat Novak Djokovic this evening to get through to the Silver/Gold Medal final on Sunday. What a superb effort. He played tight, aggressive tennis. Can he go one better than he did at Wimbledon....!?! I'll definitely be cheering him on.

I'll save the weekly rehab update for tomorrow sometime....

Trazodone Withdrawal & A Swim

For more than a decade, I have been on some kind of psychoactive medication to help me to sleep. One of the horrible things about depression/PTSD/etc, is that the sleep-wake cycle can go completely haywire. When I was most ill, I was on a combination of tranquillisers and sedatives just to get some kind of sleep at night. The alternative was long, anguished night's, wide awake and feeling increasingly tired, ill and desperate for relief. Anyway, I was later put on Trazodone, a sedating anti-depressant, which I take just after getting into bed. I have been on that for, well, who knows how long, perhaps just under 10 years.

In my attempt to figure out what on earth is causing my disabling mental fatigue, I looked up the side-effects of Trazodone. I also reasoned that on gym days, I feel tired through the afternoon but rally and feel fine/alert by the evening. It's only after I have taken the Trazodone (and other daily anti-d) that I feel utterly drained/rubbish etc the following the day. It occurred to me that it might be the Trazodone which is causing the daily mental fatigue. Over the past 11 days, I have first reduced the dosage (by emptying some of the contents of the 50mg capsules) and then finally stopped taking my nightly dose.

The main side-effects have been great difficulty in sleeping and emotional instability (i.e. crying/laughing easily). The problem whilst trying to get to sleep is that my body and brain feel wired. It's like my nervous system is raw and heightened and every nerve fibre is primed. There's also a kind of horrible feeling through my body, the sort of feeling you get when you know you're going to be sick but it hasn't happened yet. Almost like you've been poisoned and your body hasn't yet expelled the venom. The whole body feels uncomfortable and twitchy and horrible. Finally, the biggest issue is hypnic jerks (Link) or sleep starts. I've had these the whole time I've been on anti-depressants but during this withdrawal they have been awful. Every single time I'm just about to fall asleep, my body does a shocking startle response and I'm zapped awake again. It's like being hit with an electric shock. And this happens over and over and over again, for hours as I try to fall asleep. Last night, it was beginning to feel a bit like torture. I was aching for sleep but my nervous system would not allow it.

So far, I have done 3 nights without Trazodone. The general pattern is to be kept awake until between 2 and 3am, then sleep fitfully for about an hour or so, then perhaps get another 2-3 hours between 5 and 8am. It's a very unpleasant sleeping experience but doesn't seem to be adversely affecting my days. I actually feel more awake and alert during the day.

The only thing I've found to help with the hypnic jerks is paracetamol. It seems to have something of a calming effect on the nervous system. Not sure if that's scientifically possible but, even if it's just a placebo effect, it's helping. The problem is I don't want to have to take paracetamol long term. It does make me angry that when they stick you on these drugs they don't say that getting off them is going to be a nightmare! When I reduced my Venlafaxine dose right down, it took a good year before my nervous system really started to feel more 'normal' again. I was an emotional wreck for months simply due to the withdrawal effects on the nervous system.

In terms of physical rehab, I hit the pool this week. With all the heat, I fancied a nice cool swim. Having not swum since January, I wasn't sure how I'd cope. But, it went well. I did 32 lengths (0.5 miles) in about 35 mins. No cramps in my feet or calves (for the first time ever) and no pain through the front of my left shoulder (for the first time ever). I also seem to have recovered well physically, managing a good 2.5-3 mile walk this morning. The gym work and running are making a difference! 

Right, I've run out of steam so will leave it there....

Physio Attempt & Another 2km

I apologise in advance if this post is poorly written etc. My head feels drained and thinking clearly is something of a challenge.

After last week's gym session, I decided I needed to take action regarding my right hip. It has improved but at the same time, it's still a daily problem. It's a significant limiting factor. I also realised that I can't deny any longer that the post-exercise fatigue and general daily exhaustion is what's holding me back from making real progress. Every week, I hope it'll get better. Every month that ticks by, I hope that I might have improved my resources by even a small amount. I have to admit that, on balance, they haven't improved anywhere near enough. If I'm honest, I feel pretty rubbish most days. Most days, I don't have enough energy to do even the simple things. I push against that. I dissociate it. As I've said before, if I waited until I felt up to doing the things I enjoy, I'd spend my life sitting and waiting. Often, it's a case of taking a couple of paracetamol, dissociating from how cr*p I feel, and then doing the thing I enjoy (mostly birding)....and worrying about the cost later.

Anyway....so, I booked an appointment with a private physio to get some advice on my right hip. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. Someone, somewhere had made a clerical error and I was booked in to see the chap but no-one actually knew where he was. No-one even had a phone number for him. They apologised etc etc...and I went away to think about it...not sure if I'll try again or just head to the GP (NHS). My plan was to get it properly assessed, go to my GP fully armed and then tackle both the hip and fatigue at the same time. We shall see.

This week's gym set. It was all a bit of an effort this week - I felt tired/washed out all week, including when I woke up on Friday to head to the gym. The 2km run isn't getting any easier. It always takes maximum concentration/perseverance. Everything in me just wants to stop.This week it definitely felt like I was flogging a dead horse.

• 5 mins exercise bike
• Hip/lower back stretches
• Glute bridges (10 secs hold) 3 reps then with 7kg dumbbell across hips 10 reps, 10 sec hold. 5 single leg glute bridges (each leg), 5 sec hold each.
• Press ups-plus (at 45 deg angle) 2 x 10 reps
• Run on treadmill (2km at 9.5km/hr in 12:45 mins)
• Seated rows 10 kg 3 x 10 reps.
• Wobble board 4 mins (5 squats)
• Trunk twist using cable weights 6kg 3 x 10 reps 
• Chest fly with cable weights 4kg 2 x 10 reps, 6kg 10 reps
• Tricep extensions using cable/rope 8kg 4 x 10 reps 
• Side slides using cable weight (for oblique muscles) 8kg 2 x 10 reps
• Combo lateral/front shoulder raises whilst sitting on exercise ball 4kg 2 x 5 reps, 3kg 10 reps
• Lying on the floor, starting with elbows by my side, arms bent 90 degs, then pushing weight upwards against gravity, straightening the arm (modified front raise) 4kg 3 x 10 reps.
• Stretching: hips/lower back, hamstrings and chest/pecs/lats.

The right hip pain/ache kicked in after lunch. I took painkillers again last night to be able to sleep. I felt tired after lunch yesterday but, by tea-time, I'd rallied and felt fine/alert. Actually, I felt better yesterday evening than I have all week?!? Today, I've felt tired/washed out/headachy. Took paracetamol this morning cos I just couldn't be bothered to deal with the headache and hip ache.

I suppose the next step is an appointment at the GP....

Right hip problems & A better week

Spotted Flycatcher (one of a pair nesting locally this summer)

Ok, so I had better start with a word about Andy last Sunday. I thought he did fantastically well. For the first set and a half it looked like he might just pull off the win. He rose to the occasion, played aggressive, thoughtful tennis and put his heart and soul into it. Federer, however, was just too good. When it counted, he was able to play sublime tennis. I don't suppose there was a dry eye in the house during Andy's closing speech and it was hard not to focus the admiration and celebration on the vanquished rather than the victor. It was, after all, the best a British man has done at Wimbledon for 74 years! Wonderful stuff Andy!

For me, it's been a better week in terms of energy. I wasn't totally wiped out after last week's gym session. I had a mildly stiff left calve and the usual right hip discomfort but all in all, it was 'back to normal' thankfully.

This week's gym set:

• 3 mins walking to warm up (there weren't any bikes free)
• Hip/lower back stretches
• Glute bridges (10 secs hold) 3 reps then with 6kg dumbbell across hips 10 reps, 10 sec hold. 5 single leg glute bridges (each leg), 5 sec hold each.
• Easy Press ups 10 reps on hands and knees (didn't have access to where I normally do the press ups)
• Run on treadmill (2km at 9.5km/hr in 12:50 mins)
• Seated rows 10 kg 3 x 10 reps.
• Wobble board 4 mins (5 squats)
• Trunk twist using cable weights 6kg 3 x 10 reps 
• Chest fly with cable weights 4kg 3 x 10 reps
• Tricep extensions using cable/rope 8kg 3 x 10 reps 
• Side slides using cable weight (for oblique muscles) 8kg 2 x 10 reps
• Combo lateral/front shoulder raises whilst sitting on exercise ball 4kg 4 x 5 reps, 3kg 10 reps
• Lying on the floor, starting with elbows by my side, arms bent 90 degs, then pushing weight upwards against gravity, straightening the arm (modified front raise) 4kg 3 x 10 reps.
• Reverse abs crunches 10 reps, Plank 2 x 30 sec hold
• Stretching: hips/lower back, hamstrings and chest/pecs/lats.

Generally, I felt like I didn't have much stamina this week. When I got to 1km on the run, I wasn't sure I was going to manage the next 1km. It was really hard going. Doing the weights, the first 8 reps were fine but the last 2 were often a struggle and in some cases I lost 'form'. I've no idea why my endurance was so low but anyway, I was pleased to achieve what I did.

When I left the gym, I felt good. I'd had some mild pain through my right hip when running (and it had actually been aching when I woke up that morning) but otherwise I was fine. I iced my right butt/hip through lunch as I could begin to feel the pain kicking in. I felt tired through the afternoon but by evening, I felt alert and fine again. I took painkillers for my right hip before bed.

Last night, I dreamt I went to an old outdoor, tennis court. Like the ones you find in parks - often run down and a little mossy. I had my old tennis racket but I'd bought some new balls. And, I started to just hit forehands across the net. Soon, children came to play and I began to knock up with them. I didn't have the energy to move much, and my shots lacked skill, but I enjoyed hitting the ball when it came to me. As the dream progressed the courts filled with people/children and it became clear there was a coaching session going on. I had to leave. I woke up from that dream this morning with the feeling and sense of joy of being able to play tennis again! I got out of bed and my right hip gave way on me. As ever, no idea what's wrong with it but it's painful and difficult to walk on. I might have to bite the bullet and head to the docs.

Of course, the disappointment of the right hip problems is magnified today with the longing of wanting to play tennis/sports again (writing that causes tears to well up). I love sport. I used to play tennis to a pretty high standard as a youngster/teenager. I played just below County level, going to two hour indoor coaching sessions once a week and matches at weekends. My sister and I used to always knock a ball around in the holidays and we'd talked about maybe trying that gently this summer....

We shall see.

A Tired Week but Andy's Through...!

Last weekend and most of the following week were a write off due to feeling completely and utterly drained after the gym (irrespective of taking Pharmaton). I've no idea why. There doesn't seem to be any pattern, rhyme or reason to it. Thankfully, I had Wimbledon to enjoy...

Yesterday, I didn't really know whether to risk the gym again. The thought of a repeat of last week's total wipe out was somewhat off-putting. However, the potential positives outweighed the likely negatives and I took the plunge. My Friday gym sessions really are the only 2 hours of the week where I get to feel strong, powerful and free and like a 'normal human being'. I get to do what 'normal people' do. The whole routine of getting ready, heading to the gym, working out, coming home, showering, changing and eating a good lunch is completely life-affirming. For that period of time, I feel normal. I feel relief. I feel like a solid, powerful human being.. I don't care that it takes days to recover or that each week I have to take painkillers for my hip for 2-3 days afterwards. That feeling of normality and empowerment is worth it!

Anyway, yesterday's gym session went well. I pushed myself to do the 2km run again at 9.5 km/hr with a sprint finish for the last 100 metres. I did that in 12 mins 45 secs. That's the part I most look forward to. Running. And the sprint finish is the icing on the cake. I think naturally, I'm a sprinter rather than a distance runner, and especially so since the mental and physical breakdown. I lack endurance in every way. I tend towards wanting to get things over and done with. It takes discipline for me to stick to a steady pace and not just sprint/walk/sprint/walk etc. Everything in me wants to push hard whilst I have energy then slacken off entirely only to then push hard again. It's probably very good for me to teach my body/brain that doing things at a good steady pace is possible.

The rest of the session was the usual weights/stretches etc. I didn't push too hard as I was a little worried about how I'd react afterwards. However, when I left the gym, nothing in particular hurt and I felt good. During the run, I'd not felt any pain in my right hip and my calves had coped better this week.

The right butt/hip pain kicked in during lunch so I iced that. The other issue last week was that the left butt/hip ache/pain and LHS lower back tightness, which I thought had resolved, came back as bad as before. Very disappointing. The right calve was mildly effected during running yesterday and is stiff today. The left butt/hip pain was still there through the afternoon (and today).

Surprisingly, I didn't feel too tired yesterday afternoon and, by evening, I felt alert and fine. I wasn't aching for sleep/bed. I do feel tired/drained today. I guess I'll know tomorrow how big an impact yesterday's gym session has had.

Of course, the thrill of yesterday was seeing Andy Murray reach the final of Wimbledon. I am a big Andy Murray fan and follow all his matches through the year. To have achieved a place in the final, under the enormous weight of hope and expectation of the British public/media etc, is an outstanding achievement. I don't know how he holds his nerve or withstands the phenomenal pressure. As for Federer in the final....well...I know Andy can beat him but on Centre Court, in a Wimbledon final...that's about as hard as it gets for a British player. It's a massive ask....here's hoping for a little magic...

(image courtesy of the internet!)