Persevering

Another Robin photo today. The light and weather have been awful recently so this is from a few weeks back.

It's been the usual mixed week of highs and lows. I had a bit of a meltdown on Monday. I was (am!) so fed up with the constant pain and the thankless grind of continually pushing on with the rehab in spite of it. I guess there comes a point when the stress of managing the pain versus progress get on top of you. A good cry and some warm encouragement seemed to relieve some of the tension/frustration. Tuesday, I had to miss table tennis because both my shoulders were too painful and I knew that if I went I'd only end up feeling a whole lot worse about things. Wednesday saw me completing the 10th month of hydrotherapy. That came as a relief. I see-saw between experiencing the hydro work as 'a chance to do exercise' and 'a sentence to endure'! Perhaps the anxiety associated with willing and wanting my physical condition to improve has been mixed up with the pool work. Anyway, I was pleased to notch up another month.

Thursday, I felt pretty good. I did a 35 minute walk and my usual therapy session. Friday, I was up early (7:30am) for my morning pottery class. Again, it was very physically demanding and I spent most of the 3.5 hours standing whilst working on my piece. I was tired when I got home, and my back and shoulders ached, but I was chuffed with how well I coped considering the demands.

Yesterday, we finally had some sunshine! After weeks of depressing, grey, dark days, the sun broke through and I made the most of it. Wrapped up as warm as possible and headed out for a decent 50 minute walk around the fields. My hip stabilisers and glutes are continually twingey and the LHS mid/lower back is still tight/painful to varying degrees but it felt good to stretch everything out and enjoy the sun. Absolute bliss to be out in it.

Today...well....it's Sunday and therefore 'bike day'. I managed another smooth 25 minutes on the bike. It didn't feel as hard going as last week and although I had the usual hip/groin and back twinges, and my shoulders/arms ached/hurt, I think things are shifting in the right direction. I put a hot water bottle on my back afterwards and feel pretty tired now. It'll be a quiet afternoon in front of the telly I reckon. (Shame about Andy Murray's loss this morning but great effort and I'm a big fan. Hopefully he'll win his slam soon. It's hard to imagine anyone getting a look in whilst Roger Federer plays like that. What a sublimely skillful and gifted guy he is).

Edit 9:30pm: Overcome with tiredness through afternoon. Dozed for 50 mins on the sofa between 3 and 4pm, and perked up a bit after supper.

Day-dreaming

I think there has actually been some daylight today! It's been such a grim, depressing week in terms of the weather. Short, dark days with varying degrees of rain, drizzle, fog and biting north easterly winds. It's enough to make you curl up and join the hedgehogs until the Spring!

Having one of those day-dreaming afternoons where I've run out of energy and everything hurts too much to move so I make good use of the internet. It's been a testing week. Tuesday evening's long Table Tennis session and the ensuing right shoulder/arm pain/stiffness; the early Wednesday morning pool session which taxed both shoulders/arms and has left them aching and painful since; Thursday I did a 35 minute walk and shoulder physio exercises (+ therapy); Friday was a very early morning to get to a particularly physically demanding Pottery session (which finished me off for the day); yesterday I did another 35 minutes walk and hip/core physio exercises (both shoulders/arms were stiff and painful from pottery), and, today, I've done 25 minutes on the bike and shoulder physio exercises! I guess it's not surprising that my shoulder girdle aches right down through my arms; my neck is aching and my back and hips are tired.

Anyways....back to my day-dreaming.....inspired no doubt by my being glued to the Australian Open Tennis, I've been surfing the net for nice looking track suits and sports bags....dreaming of a time when my body is pain-free and strong enough to be seriously involved in a sport again. When I was younger I lived in my sports gear - always playing something or other - and it feels like a return to sport (and all that that entails, clothing included!) would mark a return to something quite fundamentally 'me'. Perhaps everyone feels more solid and grounded and 'themselves' when they experience their own physical strength, agility and power. Perhaps it's about being in control of ones body, being able to rely on it, call upon it to move this way and that, being able to harness ones power in order to control a shot or kick or hit or stroke or whatever applies. Sport, for me, is about freedom and movement and power and feeling alive and real. And, I can't wait to get back to it....!

In the meantime, I can dream about what snazzy track suits and smart sports bags symbolise, lol.

Fear of overdoing it

Blue Tit enjoying the water (like I did this morning). I'd refilled the bird bath with tepid tap water last week, having gotten rid of the ice, and this little fella immediately swooped down and just 'soaked in the tub'.

Finally made it back to the pool this morning after the snow kept me away the last 2 weeks. I had been worried about how I'd cope after table tennis last night but so far so good. It actually felt lovely to be back in the water and my left shoulder seemed to be moving more freely. The LHS mid/lower back didn't feel so tight/painful afterwards either.

Table tennis last night presented the typical problem of trying to figure out when/if I'm overdoing it. There were plenty of tables available so no chance of being forced to sit out (and thus rest!) for a while. After about 20 minutes of playing, my right shoulder began to hurt (I think it's the front deltoid muscle?). I eventually explained I needed a rest but felt bad for depriving my partner of playing time. Anyways...to cut a long story short I ended up playing for over an hour and by that point I could feel the panic rising.

The fear of overdoing it is as much an obstacle as anything else! It's so difficult to know when my body/brain has had enough. I can't rely on how I feel (the bird watching experience before Christmas showed me that - at the time, I felt fine, but an hour later I felt really ill and it took me over a week to recover). I can't rely on how my body feels - pains/aches aren't necessarily an injury or fatigue (sometimes something just hurts cos I'm using it when it's not used to being used!). The best guide I have really is time. If I've been doing something active for 20 minutes, my mind automatically begins to think about limits. Have I had enough? Do I feel tired? What else have I done today? What do I need to do later? How long will it take me to recover from this? My whole experience becomes set within a context of limited resources and how I can manage and best use them.

Yesterday evening, I came home feeling really stressed and tired after the table tennis. I was terrified that I'd gone way too far and that I'd be paying for it today. I was scared it would set back my progress. I was scared the painful right shoulder would be an injury that would then prevent me from carrying on with the table tennis until I'd gained sufficient shoulder strength/stability. After about half an hour of playing, I stopped enjoying it because all I could think about was what it might cost me. I guess confidence in ones body comes with experience. The more times I do something and feel ok, the less terrified I'll be the next time. It constantly feels like I'm walking a tight-rope and any minute I can slip and fall, without warning.

Anyways.....feeling pleased with this morning's pool experience. I had better quality sleep last night compared with how it's been the last month or so, and I'm sure that helps.

Table Tennis

[This entry was created on 9th Jan but received a spam comment which I couldn't delete so had to delete the whole post and re-enter it....Anyway...]

Today's spherical little Robin reminded me of a table tennis ball....,lol.

I nervously went along to the club night on Tuesday 5th (through the snow and ice!). In terms of my physical capacities, I think I can probably cope with an hour at the club, playing perhaps a total of 30-40 minutes. It actually felt fantastic to be participating in a sport again! Made me feel human, solid. My LHS mid/lower back didn't like it and my left hip was painful afterwards but I'm hoping I can manage them without causing further problems. I was tired the following day and couldn't get to Hydrotherapy due to the snow, so we'll just have to see how things go in the following weeks.

Energy levels are a bit up and down at the moment, not helped by consistently sleeping badly. I'm fairly wiped out today. Not really done anything - skipped physio exercises (hip and shoulder muscles are too sore/painful to flog). I did a 50 minute walk yesterday through the snow, over the fields. I felt ok afterwards but I think it was a bit too much.

....hope to do some bike time tomorrow (please God let me get a decent night's sleep tonight!).

Getting closer...

Above is a Common Redshank, taken on New Year's Day. They're always so far away from me, I can never get a decent picture and this represents my best effort to date. Hoping that I also get a bit closer to physical fitness and mental health this year.

....anyway....my table tennis bat arrived in the post this morning and it's a little heavier than I had realised. As much as I want to be able to play, I'm not sure my (good) right arm/shoulder are strong enough to cope (given that just lifting the weight of my arm is challenge enough!). I fear I might have been a tad over ambitious.....but I'll still give it a go. I've found somewhere local, playing tomorrow evening.

Since Jan 1st, 2 x 50 mins walks and 20 mins on the bike plus the usual physio exercises. Today's been a rest day cos of my back.

Emailed the private physio for an appointment to look at the LHS mid/lower back problems. It's got worse and I need someone to do something....anything....to help.

For the next 3 months, the weekly plan looks loosely like this:

Monday - therapy + short walk + hip/core physio exercises
Tuesday - walk + hip/core physio exercises + Table Tennis (hopefully)
Wednesday - Hydrotherapy
Thursday - therapy + short walk + shoulder physio exercises
Friday - Pottery + hip/core physio exercises
Saturday - longer walk (bird watching) + hip/core & shoulder physio exercises
Sunday - exercise bike + shoulder physio exercises